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| Well, with my last post I've managed to prove that nobody is looking at my site. Kinda makes me sad, yet gives a strange sense of relief. It might be a little late for this since all the grad stuff happened last week, but I'll write my thoughts down anyway.
My leaving ceremony. I only got one ticket to my grad. Apparently, my mother wanted to go too. I had no idea. How many people actually want to go to the grad ceremony? You sit there for hours on end listening to a mono tonal voice dragging on and on with names and awards. My mother doesn't understand the language, but thats not why I didn't get it. I honestly didn't think anyone wanted to go. I was reluctant to go myself. My mom has a really stubborn personality and hates to show weakness, but her being my mother and all, I realized she was depressed about it. Ended up taking photos with me and the gown in the house while I still had it (the gown not the house). I think it helped, but I'm probably never going to live this down...
Everyone looks the same. I can't tell anyone from the other. Didn't realize Conor was sitting in front of me till he turned his head. Overall, it was pretty relaxed. Compared to last years, it seemed like we didn't really care, but I think thats just the personality of our graduating class. People said during the rehearsal that even if you did something stupid, no one would be impressed. They were wrong (lol women studies). I can't believe we cheered for most of the thing.
Choir was awesome. I still haven't figured out why Amparito Roca was stopped 3 lines into the song. Disney Razzmatazz was done really well when it was played when we were leaving. I heard the trumpet solo I usually play being played better than me and got a little ticked cause I never remembered knowing a trumpet in our school sounding that good. All that irritation disappeared the moment I saw that Mr. Shier was the one playing it though.
Didn't go to the cruise.
Day of the dance. Didn't do anything all day. Just screwing around with my guitar that I can't play. Spent the day just...lying around...yea...
Got dressed, left, reached the destination, no one is there. By the time I realized everyone was upstairs, there was a huge barricade of people on the stairs that you couldn't get through. I was stuck near the bottom. We fail at pushing the wave of hands UP the staircase. I hear they were trying to get it to come down. Never noticed. Can't blame people for complaining though. Cramped, standing on the exact same spot. All women on heels and no room to take them off. Michael H. ended up standing on one foot through most of it.
Food. I don't see the problem here. I loved the food. Why does everyone hate it? It seems the only food the people enjoyed was the lasagna (or it was something that looked like it). Desert has revived my love for lemon mousse. I can never get enough of that stuff.
Slideshow. Can't hear anyone. I looked like a retard(don't I always?) and I also saw alot of people I...never knew existed...-.-;
Picture time. A few grads I knew came to visit (Anna, Karen Rachel Anderson,and Kim in particular). Felt like the first time I saw them in a year...wait a sec.
Kinda wish they stayed for a while longer. I never managed to get a picture. I wonder if I'll ever see them again. Revival of the loneliness I had last year from getting the cold shoulder from Anna for a good 5-6 months. At least she is talking to me.
Dance. It was fun. Used it to get rid of any depression accumulated up until that point in time (including grad stress). I've never been the type of guy who liked these dance events. I didn't fit in and it always felt awkward. I used to go up to the dance floor, try to dance, wonder what the hell I was doing, and immediately leave. Work hard to copy everyone else so you don't look out of place. Always being conscious of what people think of you. After a few songs I guess I just stopped caring so much. Somewhere in those three hours, I guess I just did whatever I wanted. Probably looked damn stupid most of the time too. When I think back, its pretty embarrassing, but it was really fun, so even if I were to redo it, I would probably still do the same thing over again.
Y'know, it always has bugged me. You often find a recluse like me who just doesn't fit in and ends up skipping the entire dance by doing nothing, but not once have I ever seen a girl in the same situation. I mean, whats up with that. We have a circle of guys that just sit at a table doing nothing, but all the girls seem to know how to party, even when they've never been to a dance. Weird.
I kept going out to the patio when I wanted some air. Wasn't very helpful though. It was the same temperature outside as it was inside. All that really changed was the scenery and the amount of noise. It still fulfilled my purpose of me going outside though so its all fine.
Well, I could have done without Lingge and Dennis making out every single time I turned my head towards them, but it was a fun night. I did a few slow dances, all with different people. I was formal when I asked Maggie. Was the kneeling too much? Danced with Kelly from my table. Danced with Ari. Last dance was unexpected cause the DJ said the last slow was at 12. Managed to drag out Samantha from gr.11.
Overall fun grad. I'll probably never forget it, but I'm damn sure that the details will get blurred quite a bit. Aww well. What can I do about it. I'm only human. I had quite a bit of sugar and danced really hard so I kinda lost myself, but thanks to that, it seemed like I was on liquid courage without the wooziness. Gave me enough guts to get through most of the things I wanted to do (such as ask a few girls for a dance). I'm very satisfied. I can't imagine a much better grad than this.
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| Been so long since i've been on this thing. It took me a while to figure out where the heck the new entry button was. I'm pretty sure I don't have anyone subscribed to me anymore...not like there were many before..but I don't think I have any now. Its quite likely that noone I know will actually read this so if I were to believe that, I guess I could put some more...personal thoughts into writing this.
I know...if I'm going to write really personal thoughts, its probably not a good idea to write it on a public webpage, but I'm pretty sure some people could understand. This feeling of not wanting anyone to read what you write, but having this small hope that someone might secretly find your writing and read it. Its a weird feeling. wow...I just started but I've written quite a bit...this could take a while. I do have 2 years worth of problems to write down but hey, I'm still a teenager. We all have tons of problems.
I think I only have a single problem that still bugs me every once in a while from the last school year. People in my jap class or people that were around me might know what I'm talking about. Its about a girl. I wouldn't say shes pretty. Ok...that was pretty mean. I wouldn't say she's drop dead gorgeous, but to me, at that time, she was the most beautiful person I'd have ever known. I really liked her. y'know, I knew her for 3 years in school and for 2 full years I didn't feel a thing towards her. I still remember having fun denying that I felt anything during those 2 years. We used to say that we were always just friends, we wouldn't feel anything for each other(we didnt at the time), and I believed that for quite a while. She was...the only person I have ever been able to talk to so freely in my life. It was a kind of friendship where you could literally let everything in your mind go and just relax talking about just anything, and not remember what you were talking about 5 min ago. There was also a point in time where jap class was the only reason i even looked forward to going to school. Well...in that third year (last year), I'm not too sure what happened even now. In the beginning, it was normal, just a natural friend I could talk to without any feelings toward the person for a relationship. Right now if I think about it, I'm undoubtedly the one who single handedly destroyed this relationship(not as in lovers but as in the ...what do you call it?...easier if I say "futari no kankei"). It was my fault. I can't remember the trigger, but there was a short time where I stopped trying to deny that we could only be friends. At that same time, some event I can't remember occurred between us, and before I realized it, I had a different type of feeling whenever I looked at her. This was the problem that caused the next. I soon started remembering the fun times I'd had with her and the time I had ended up spending with her up to that point in time. If I were to describe it, it was like 2 full years of held back emotion suddenly started to avalanche downwards in an overwhelming sort of way. This is how I started to like her. Well, what happened next is kinda obvious. I tried to make her aware of my feelings. At first, it was going pretty well. She was aware, and obviously confused of her own feelings(she told me that herself). At first, it seemed like she was going to return some of my feelings. haha...I still remember how she got a little jealous when she saw another girl acting really friendly towards me. She tried to ditch me when I had a conversation going on with the other girl. I left with her when I noticed she was leaving. Of course she was trying to hide any thoughts she had, but it was quite obvious. She was soooo CUTE! Other than that there was also another girl I knew that started showing up around that time. 2 years my kohai. She seemed to get along with the girl I liked so I just let them be. Eventually I had this feeling that she was actually trying to separate us but I can't be sure. I'm not her and I really don't want to think of it like that. But while thinking like that, I start to realize that they're in contact when I'm not around, and she(the girl I liked) was often helping her out when asked by her. It was quite mortifying when I found out she(the other girl) had more ways to contact her than I did(Ok...I was a coward. The only was I ever talked to the girl I liked was in school. No phone number or anything).
Things fluctuated here. Were nearing Christmas. Possibly late november. There were times where she seemed like she was willing to go out with me(I'm a coward and an idiot though. I'm not sure if I ever asked her out properly, but she might have given signs that I never noticed), and at other times she tried to keep her distance. There was a time she let me bring her closer by letting me put my arm around her, but all other attempts seemed to turn out for the worse. There was a time when she said she was very confused and she was thinking about it all night. That made me happy. There was a time where (embarrasedly...or maybe quietly) said that she couldn't see us getting married but a possible first boyfriend. That made me VERY happy and might have been where most of my motivation and 1 of my fondest memories reside.
I can also remember how she seemed to ask her brother for advice very often. Through this entire thing the word brother always popped up. It seemed like she had full trust and reliability in them. How much I hated it whenever they were mentioned. It was like she'd rather let her brothers decide for her. I could be very wrong though. I can't deny that I was jealous of this.
After that though, it seemed like she had a full change of heart. Around this time is when she started to avoid me at times and it seemed to keep getting worse. This is the really bad part. One day, I'm guessing probably at the breaking point between her avoiding and my chasing, she said the words almost every guy NEVER wants to hear. "We need to talk."...
She asked if I liked her. The answer should have been obvious, but I still ended up giving the worst possible answer to the question. "Maybe". I still really hate myself for that(now I'm a coward AND an asshole).
Then she used a famous excuse to refuse a guy. It most likely wasn't a lie. I can see how she might feel like that towards me. "I think of you as a brother".
After what she said, I guess I just couldn't go back to how it was. I couldn't give up. I ended up buying a present for her. Did I mention her birthday is very close to Christmas? Its very easy to remember the date...which is also why I always wonder if it was a lie...probably my imagination. Anyway, I was hoping to use that to make up with her. I never gave it to her. Don't get me wrong, its not that I didn't have the courage(for once), but I lost my chance. I tried to give it to her on the last day of school before christmas break. I still don't know exactly what it was that I did to tick her off so much. The moment I chose was right after the bell to go home. I tried to give it to her, but the moment I tried to approach her she ran and screamed back.
"Get away from me!" Before all this when she didn't hate my guts, I can't really remember exactly when anymore , but there were times where I tried to do stuff like hold her hand and put my hand over hers, but she quickly pulled away and said she didn't like that kind of thing. Can you have a relationship with literally zero skinship? I'm not too sure, but this was always uncomfortable for me, because there were also other times when it wasn't as big a deal to her....I think...maybe this led up towards what I wrote above too. There was also a time where I selfishly sent messages towards her and then blocked the address for a certain amount of time so I didn't have to see her reply. Even now I still don't know exactly why I did that. I am quite positive that she really hated me for doing it though. Anyway, after winter break, we came back, she was as cold towards me as ever, and there may have been some things I carelessly said just to spite her. I can't remember what they were, but it might have been possible that she took some of it to heart. To the people who knew about the present, I claimed to everyone that I threw it out. What else am I supposed to do with it. I don't want to return it. I can't give it to the girl I like. I can't give it to someone else (what kind of a bastard reuses presents?), and if I didn't throw it out, I would have it sitting there for no apparent reason. So I claimed I threw it away. In reality...theres no way I would have been able to do something like that. From then to the end of the year, I always had it with me. Some may have noticed a strange bulge in the left pocket that seemed too big to have only been holding gloves. I spent the rest of the year with it while always keeping an eye out for her. If I didn't see her, I would worry endlessly about her safety. If I did, I would be relieved. When I saw her with that "other" guy, I was just plain irritated, but I never did anything about it. I can't stop her from doing what she wants. Near the end of there year, we did end up skipping the last block together and ended up being just the two of us. I was conscious of her, by my emotions seemed to have setteled quite a bit. I never talked to her much at all after that, but I was always aware of her when she was around. I watched her grad from the band corner of the stage playing for the entrance, beginning, and ending of the ceremony. I ended up ending the year in that sense of awareness but never communicating. About that present. It was a silver necklace with a single, but (very)small jeweled pendent of blue topaz(because blue gems are the symbol of birth in December). It was kind of plain looking, but I seriously thought it would look good on her. Never did have the chance to see if I was right though. It currently sits in the crevice under my bed post and behind my mattress with a few other things. I haven't opened it since she said "Get away from me". I'll just finish off with the fact that I still had a sense of awareness in the beginning of this school year. It was hell. You have no idea how many times of turned around to check if it was her. There are alot of people that I ended up thinking were slightly similar to her from behind. If she had 2 or more of the following traits, I unconsciously turned around. Ponytail, short and slightly frizzeled hair, green jacket, brown jacket, baggy jeans and framed glasses. I think there were more, but I can't remember cuz I don't do this anymore. wow...all this and I haven't even talked much about this year. aww well. the stuff for this year is significantly shorter because I've been living in unwanted solitude (no friends). I've written enough for today though and I have school tomorrow since today is the last day of our last spring break. If I wrote more I might be able to say this is the last blog entry but it isn't and I couldn't guarantee it if it was. well thats it for now. I hope there isn't a limit to the size of a blog. I wonder how many people I've scared off from reading this for making it so long xD. | | |
| today was an awesome and horrible day... school was great...cept for english
the r5 thing was so inspirational and the stuff he said was so touching!!
if i wasn't a guy i would have cried! hes so pro!! he loosened up the entire audience, got everyone paying full attention, and made his point without looking like a complete idiot! in fact... HE WAS AWESOME!!! "live life with no regrets!" always try to do what you wanna do. Never do something you might think back to and say "i shouldn't have done that". dont put other ppl down because one day you will hate yourself for it. Back up great decisions in life, faliure or success. if u fail, you still went through with it. build you confidence and try again. afterschool. im back in the shop feeling great but sleepy cuz i surfed my ass off looking something up. so when my dad got back at almost 5, i went back inside and went to sleep. i wake up an hour and a half later and find out that we got robbed and all the blame is on me. what a shitty way to wake up. from what i hear, 6 or 7 ppl came (adults) into the shop and just started to touch everything they could pretending to buy stuff. it was just my mom and dad out there. one of those ppl (a woman) went up to my mom and asked to buy flowers while my dad was forced to count candies becuz one guy brought up and entire box and said he was gonna buy it. all the while, some of those ppl snuck into the back, took the cigarettes, and walked out the front door while my parents were distracted. 2 FULL BOXES!! so 39*2*80= $6240 worth atleast!! we dont even have insurance for theft anymore cuz the companies wont let us since so many robberies have occured in the last 3 years. i dont know what im angry at anymore. my parents for blaming me? myself for not even noticing the ppl were there and instead went to sleep while i could be out there helping them, or the actual robberies that keep occuring! But what really pisses me off is that they did it RIGHT IN FRONT OF US AND WE DIDNT EVEN NOTICE! THERE WASANT EVEN ANY REAL DANGER INVOLVED! im ticked! mother fucking assholes! so what ever happened to "live life with no regrets" now when i hear that line i'll probably think of this situation. Nice job insiration....you just made everything worse.
edit: i just noticed the contrast between those 2 events...from painful school live where people often make thing sound worse than they really are (no offense but alot of ppl use these thing then make things sound worse to got noticed...ironic) to shitty reality thats either depressing or freakishly boring because u can only build a fantasy at school (no offense intended for this one either) | | |
| SHOOTING AT SCHOOL IN MONTREAL!! although i knew that yesterday i wanted to know more about it in todays paper from what i know, one student was killed and 20 injured, 5 in critical condition shooter killed himself before the cops got to him (forgot the guys name) im a little irritated that they called him paranoid tho. at least not completely...definetly not the reason he did it.
y do i say this? cuz they had blog entries and other stuff off his page at vampirefreak. I agree with alot of things he said. its like were living a fairy tale where nothing seems real and everyone knows it, but nobody does anything about it. well...anywho, sticking him on to the province was a really bad idea. its probably the same in other places tho, but its idiotic. its like learning about a person in a blog, where everything he says makes complete sense if you put it that way, then there will be other people who start to admire him, hes become an idol to everyone who thinks the same way he does. within this school year, theres probably going to b another shooting like this one in canada. several people who think this world is stupid but were not willing to risk their lives to do anything about it, have just been inspired to do the exact same thing, or worse! no im not crazy....actually im not really sure... everyone says they wanna save lives. the same people say they wanna stop global warming. green house gases major cause is? vehicle exaust and industry. isnt that an oxymoron? our world is overpopulated because of technology. human population wasant high untill some time in the 19XX when we reached 1 billion. in the next few years we now have 6 billion. we are still trying to save and increase the population. notice the fact that the more time passes the more cars there are? more people, more vehicles, more pollution... we all know that the technology world seems like a fantasy...but we dont want it to go. before, religion contradicts that naturality by giving a message that makes it seem were a superior race. but religion also helped sustain the population. now that were in the technology age, religion has fallen a great deal, but weve experienced too much of the conviniences of technology to want to go bak. so if the world maintains this picture of a fairytale where everything is just so easy and convinient, while the world revolves around business, arent we still trying to destroy the world?? we'll be dead from pollution within a few decades. ...what was i talking about again?? i wonder if the cops are trying to figure out the next shooter so they can scare ppl from doing the same thing as the gunman. and if they are investigating, then will terrorism strike while were preoccupied? cant really for get that they banned alot of liquids from entering a plane cuz they caught someone who had disguised a liquid bomb like that. | | |
| hallo! back to skool again...how long has it been since i last made a post?? summer...ended...fast....
i really dont wanna b in gr10....still kinda seems unreal and overwhelming to me...i can still remember gr8 pretty clearly too...so is it just me or....does time seem to go faster as you get older... who the hell gives out work on the first day of school?? most of my teachers...Melvin already made us do a worksheet...hes a great teacher but when you need to copy notes and tables...your hand hurts alot...(remembering the solarsystem note taking hell worth about 5 pages) ahh arends....seems nice....an english teacher that omits the stuff i hate most...like presenting and all the other crap most english teachers give us...dont wanna do the friggen letter tho what was this block again?? rite..jap...not much is different....its almost exactly the same as last year...the only ppl that ive noticed missing is conor and farley...*sigh* i miss them...conor and dennis talking about crap, me butting in to find out what their talking about, conor dissing me in anyform of way he can think of, anna adding to the disses, then farley suddenly saying something completely random that has nothing to do with the subject in the first place.....and repeat....those days were fun...gotta do another one of those character picture thingys again. I forgot all my katakana...and i gotta make new Q-cards programing...seems kinda fun... Turtle sam
sam = new Turtle
sam.paint (-90, 12);
sam.move (-180, 12);
sam.paint (-90, 12);
sam.paint (-90, 12);
sam.move (-180, 6);
sam.paint (90, 12);
sam.move (-180, 6);
I WROTE AN "A" xD...dont remember how to do the circle tho... well thats about it...excluding the fact that becuz im only going to work for 2 hours after skool their working my ass as much as they can... did anyone see dennis?!?! his new hairstyle is so different!! i probably walked passed him 3 times when i was TRYING to look for him and when i finally figured out i WAS his i screamed and ran in the other direction! SERIOUSLY!!...im probably not gonna get used to it....or lingge's contacts....or harry's bangs...
oh! i also got wong for socials...everyone hates her...i never had her....im not transferring....i think...im probably gonna regret it tho... well thats all i got to write...maybe some more tmw...or not...probably not.... | | |
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